Brutal Honesty

   I've been hiding out in a way. I've been fearful to face this task of using words to describe the boiling caldron of emotions that have been brewing up within me. I really didn't think that I had the strength to look beyond my feelings and seek out the truth of what God wants me to see. For several days, I was pretending not to notice. But, God wants His truth to be revealed. And He won't leave me alone.
   I really wanted to just stay in my own clouded-over funk. I kind of felt like I had every right to be down and depressed. Things aren't quite going like I want and pouting like a kid is sometimes easier to do than facing the reality of life. The only problem with living out my bad attitude is that I get miserable, real fast. My body actually becomes weak. And I feel empty. The problem with it is that I try to take control and I don't leave my attitude, actions, and availability to Christ. And I know, I truly do know, in my heart, that I can't live without Him.
  I've been here before, emotionally and mentally, and when I am rationally thinking about those times, and I look back at how I felt and reacted, I know that I needed to stop trying to do life on my own accord. However, I am a very stubborn and proud person, who thinks, I can do this on my own...I just have to get it together. Except, I am way too weak to do it on my own. I cry. I struggle to do simple things. I crash and burn.
   The only way that I can get out of my own head and find freedom is when I finally surrender to God. I choose to stop listening to the lies, the words that play over and over in my head that ruin me. And I know where those are coming from. The words will only lead me to my death, whether it's spiritual or even physical. So, I choose the way of Life. 
   I have come to understand that we all sin in different ways, just some of us choose things that aren't always so obvious to others, at least not at first. But, really what my understanding of what sin is is simple. Anytime someone, anyone, tries to take God out of the equation and replace Him with someone else, or something, chooses to sin. Sometimes, we do it unconsciously, and the Holy Spirit will convict us of our wrongdoings. But, often we choose to take control and go to opposite direction, living out in rebellion. 
   I realized that, although I may not have committed a crime, or even a sin against another person, I was choosing the way of rebellion, because I refused to acknowledge my deep dependence on God. I had sinned in my heart against God. I needed to surrender control again and live like I say I believe.
   I found a Psalm I had highlighted in my bible almost two years ago to the day. I had written the date next to it in the column. I find it interesting that, like the Psalmist, David, I too have gone through so many ups and downs. Yet, God used him, showed favor upon him, and even placed him in the role of king. God showed His loving kindness upon David, which gives me hope and a greater understanding of God's love for even me. I sin. I fall short of the mark. Yet, His love for me goes on. So, I run straight back into His arms.

Psalm 32 (New Living Translation)

A psalm of David.

 ¹ Oh, what joy for those
      whose disobedience is forgiven,
      whose sin is put out of sight!
 ² Yes, what joy for those
      whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt,
      whose lives are lived in complete honesty!
 ³ When I refused to confess my sin,
      my body wasted away,
      and I groaned all day long.
 ⁴ Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.
      My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.
                       
 ⁵ Finally, I confessed all my sins to you
      and stopped trying to hide my guilt.
   I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.”
      And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.
                      
 ⁶ Therefore, let all the godly pray to you while there is still time,
      that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment.
 ⁷ For you are my hiding place;
      you protect me from trouble.
      You surround me with songs of victory.
                       
 ⁸ The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.
      I will advise you and watch over you.
 ⁹ Do not be like a senseless horse or mule
      that needs a bit and bridle to keep it under control.”
 ¹⁰ Many sorrows come to the wicked,
      but unfailing love surrounds those who trust the Lord.
 ¹¹ So rejoice in the Lord and be glad, all you who obey him!
      Shout for joy, all you whose hearts are pure!