The War Inside

       I like to put my best face forward. Who doesn't want to appear strong, confident, and collected? So, I try to do my best. But really, truthfully, a war is raging inside that has lasted nearly as long as I can remember. I have fought God on this one. It is very hard for me to put my biggest struggle into words and send it out into the great beyond of cyber space...especially, since I do know some of you who are so kind as to read my posts. Yet, I can't go on pretending that I don't deal with this; the fight of my lifetime: the war of my self image vs. God's image of me.
   I know in my head a lot of truths about God. I know that I know, that I know, God is full of love for humanity. He loves us so much, it is hard to fathom the depths of His great love for mankind. I believe that He loves little old ladies, babies with chubby checks, and even the worst of all criminals. He sent His son to die for all. Still, deep down, way down inside my soul...I question, how could he really love me?
    I see all my faults. When I stare at my reflection in the mirror, I don't see how I was made in the image of Christ himself. I see the flaws that I wish would disappear. That somehow, if I just ate one less cookie, or would workout one more hour, then 30 pounds would vanish, as if by magic. I frustrate myself when I try on clothes in a dressing room. And I begin to wonder, really, how is it that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made"?
   I think sometimes that God might love me, but perhaps He is disappointed in how I have turned out. Maybe I have somehow made a mess of myself. Then in the next breath, I question..."Well, if this is how God made me, should I even try to change"? Maybe I should just stuck it up and be satisfied with what I see in my reflection.
   And so, the war continues. Sometimes, I feel like I win a battle with self. I feel ok with me. I even feel the profound and overwhelming weight of God's love for a time. But, freedom is short lived as I face a new moment when I must choose my mindset.
   I know I must continue to fight for freedom in this. I do not have lots of answers. But I do have the word of God, a double edge sword, which I know I must hold tightly onto.

Ephesians 4:20-24 (New International Version)

²⁰ That, however, is not the way of life you learned ²¹ when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. ²² You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; ²³ to be made new in the attitude of your minds; ²⁴ and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

This fight is something that I'm sure I'll return to over and over. For tonight I lay it at the Lord's feet and ask Him to renew my mind once again. I need to feel His love and know that I am His.