That glass was half empty. My feet hadn't even hit the floor and I could see it already. Today wasn't gonna be going down as a top 10 day. My head hurt, again. And I skipped my early morning Fit Bar class, again. Oh, I'm a loser.
Struggling through breakfast with the kids. My early morning riser is so excited to see the day, all sun-shiny and perky. Too perky. And LOUD. My morning crab cries because I feed her the wrong food, then she spills her milk all over her pajamas. Really, God. I can barely deal with myself. Why did You give me small people to be responsible for this morning?
Of course, this kind of God interrogation only causes more questions to flow out of my grumpiness. Spiraling down, the questions hit hard. Why can't I seem to get it together? Why can't I accomplish amazing things like a lot of my friends have done? How in the world will I be able to take on returning to teaching next year (which I plan to do) when I can barely handle today? Why, God, am I so weak?
Then the warm water from the shower began to wash over me. I love shower time. It's one of the few moments of alone I get in a day. Even a "mom shower" helps. A "mom shower" is one of those 5 minute (if you're lucky) wash downs where nothing gets shaved, but at least you come out smelling clean. Usually, there's Barney playing in the background. Hopefully, no one is crying and the dog isn't barking his head off at the backdoor.
God used today's shower time to remind me of a song. I won't name the artist, but the lines that came back to memory had to do with how we question a lot of things in life. We question our abilities. We question our purpose. We question our significance. But, then the song hits the chorus. "The one thing I don't question is You. You really love me, like You say You do."
My spirit did a 180 with that. I gave it up. I had to make the decision to accept the grace that was waiting for me. God's grace flows out of His unending love for me. Frustrated, grumpy me. It'll take it. The grace to see beyond my weakness, my shortcomings, and my bad attitude.
Now I am smiling. My breakfast crier is wearing fresh clothes. She looks adorable. And she is singing... the I Love You song from Barney.
1 comment:
Bless you Cara. Every mother has been there! God is good. And the time for them being little goes by so fast. Trust me I know. Looking at pictures of some of those challenging days I had and now one has graduated College and the other is a Senior in H.S. I miss the innocent times, the silly times, the cute as a button times and still remembering how leaving number one child at mother's day out and he was crying for mommy....but he had to learn to socialize and I had to get things done. Now he has lots of friends, plays the guitar for worship and fun and he's about to turn 24. Then there was number two child who was so very different from her brother. She peeled huge pieces of the wallpaper off the wall next to her crib....oh my....she threw tantrums but then became a sweet 3 year old and continued to learn and grow artistically and spiritually. Soon she'll be going to college. My heart skips a beat just thinking how empty my house will be and new worries I will have even though I try my best to trust the Lord in caring for my...(HIS)... children. Some days will be bad, some days will be good. Relish those moments, especially when they look like little angels asleep in their beds. Motherhood is the best thing there is. And no matter how old we get or how old our children get, we'll always need God's grace to get us through.
Kate Dolan
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